Who We Truly Are

We do not become healers. We came as healers. We are! Some of us are still catching up to what we are. We do not become storytellers. We came as carriers of the stories we and our ancestors actually lived. We are. Some of us are still catching up to what we are. We do not become artists. We came as artists. We are. Some of us are still catching up to what we are. We do not become writers, dancers, musicians, helpers, peacemakers. We came as such. We are! Some of us are still catching up to what we are. We do not learn to Love in this sense. We came as Love. We are Love! Some of us are still catching up to who we truly are.

~ Clarissa Pinkola Estes – Women Who Run With Wolves


I’m definitely still catching up to who I am. It has been a journey and the journey is still fully in gear. Over the years, bit by bit, I have let go of some of my limiting beliefs and perceptions. I have removed some of the layers of lies that were told to me about me. I have accepted some of my imperfections. I have forgiven myself in part for some of the things I have done that were hurtful to others and myself. I have learned to love myself to some extent. The journey is far from over. There is so much I still have to let go of, to accept, to forgive, to learn and to love about myself. I’m catching up though and I like what I’m catching up to.

What about you? Are you still catching up to who you truly are? Or have you caught up? Care to share?

I messed up!

Photo by Emma Simpson on Unsplash

I messed up! I’ve let myself down! Last night, I binged. I had not binged for days. I binged. And I lied to myself. I told myself that it didn’t matter. I had been good, right? I was actually hungry. It’s alright to eat. It’s ok, just one bite. Just this time. I binged and I lied to myself. I messed up.

I went to bed bloated. I couldn’t sleep. When I binged, I snore and sometimes very loud. I couldn’t sleep. I was worried I would wake-up my husband, that he would know that I binged. When he left the bed at 2:30 am, I finally went to sleep but I slept poorly. The worry about snoring was replaced with the worry about getting leg or feet cramps. This happens if I ingest too much salt. So I slept poorly. I eventually got up at 9 am. I don’t feel good when I get up late, no matter what time I went to sleep.

Shame. Disappointment in myself. Self-loathing. Feeling sluggish. Tired. Shame.

BUT WHAT IF … messing up was an opportunity to practice self-compassion?

It’s easy to talk about self-compassion and be self-compassionate when I’m doing well. However it seems that when I’m messing up, not doing so well, I’m there with the beating stick! Beating the crap out of myself. Every hit of the stick hammering shame, self-loathing, disappointment, etc. deeper into my being. Every hit of the stick letting me know that it is true. It doesn’t matter. I don’t matter.

WHAT IF messing up was an opportunity to practice self-compassion?

This is the path I chose this morning, the path of self-compassion. I stood at the beginning of the path and unclenched my hand and let my beating stick dropped to the ground. I took a step and another and as I did, I was flooded with sadness. Sadness for what I was doing to myself. It does matter. I do matter. I deserve a healthy body. I deserve a good sleep. I deserve fulfilling relationships. But foremost, I deserve my own love and compassion.

I’m human. I’m not perfect. I have a long history with food addiction. But when I beat myself for the poor food choices, the binges, and all the other things I judged myself for, I’m perpetuation the cycle of shame and self-abuse. This is not the path to freedom. To the contrary, it is the path to enslavement. This is not what I want for myself. I deserve so much more. I’m worth so much more. The path of self-compassion is the only path that will lead me there, one step at a time.

I’m incredibly grateful right now for having taken those first few steps.

Self-Rejection

I’ve been listening to some of the interviews from the Self-Acceptance Summit presented by Sounds True and I’m really enjoying it. Today is day 3 of a 10-day summit. There are 3 interviews a day and they are available for 24 hours. At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I really love Sounds True. So much, in fact, that I will have to see if they have an affiliate program. It offers products that are good for my soul.

One of the interviews I’ve listened to is Fierce Authenticity with JP Sears. Some of you might be familiar with him. He is the “Ultra Spiritual’ guy on YouTube. If you don’t know him, you got to check out his “How to be Ultra Spiritual” video. It is quite funny! I like his satirical comedy and have listen to many of his videos at some point. So I got curious as to what he had to offer to this Self-Acceptance Summit. Well, I had the pleasure to meet the other side of JP Sears, his serious side. Here’s something I didn’t know, JP Sears is an Emotional Healing Coach and Teacher. How cool is that! An Emotional Healing Coach. I love that! So it turns out that he had a whole lot of goodness to offer to the Self-Acceptance Summit.

There were numerous gold nuggets in what JP Sears shared. All were very powerful! I want to share this gold nugget with you all. I think this so important to know this. So important!

When we are busy trying to be who we think we need to be, we are simultaneously rejecting ourselves.

Wow, right? That makes a whole lot of sense to me! Of course! If the truth be known (and let it be known!) I’m very good at self-rejection! Every time I think that I’m not doing enough, that I’m doing too much of this or that, that I need to be this way and that way to be evolved, spiritual, a better wife, a better mother, you name it; I’m telling myself that who I am – right now – isn’t good enough and that I’m a failure. In essence, I reject myself. I reject myself! This realization brings out real sadness in me. I do this to myself and that is very sad.

After I moved away from the toxic environment I grew up in my early 20s,  becoming a better person became my guiding light. For the first 5 years, I became very religious. I was Catholic at the time and at some point, I attended daily church services. Through this I gathered a huge lists of ‘do and don’t’ on how to become a better person. Then I moved away from religion and dove head first into self-help through reading, courses, retreats and psychotherapy. At that point, I had let go of some of my ‘ do and don’t’ from my Catholic list of how to be a better person and that was definitely not a bad thing. However though my foray into self-help, I gathered an even longer list of ‘do and don’t’. Unfortunately, I can see now, that my list of ‘do and don’t’ on how to become a better person has been instrumental in perpetuating the rejection of who I am.

At this point, I’m not sure what to think of the self-help movement. With the passing of Louise Hay, one of the fonder of the self-help movement, I’ve had the opportunity to think about this. I guess it is like everything, it has a light side and a shadow side. The bottom line is that as long as we are pursuing our ideal of a better self through our list of ‘do and don’t’, we are negating and therefore rejecting the person that we already are. We are negating and rejecting the person that is already the best he/she can be in this now moment.

Yes I am sad at the realization that I have rejected myself over and over again through my ‘do and don’t’ list.  But now that I know this, I can make different choices for myself, choices that convey love, self-compassion and self-acceptance to myself. I deserve this! I’m worth this! Thank you JP Sears!