In my last post, I shared about my BIG want: To journey back home to the core of who I am and ground myself there. Today I thought it would be a good idea to start on a list of practical day-to-day wants. A kind of wish list to the Universe. So here goes:
- I want to stop taking medications – Every morning, one of the first thing I do is take a medication which aims at protecting my stomach from the anti-inflammatory medication I take twice a day. It saddens me that the first thing I put in my body every morning is a drug. My body deserves better than this. I understand that is necessary at this time, but I want to eventually be able to stop both of these medications.
- I want to be pain free – I dread having to run errands as it is laborious and painful. I want to be able to do this effortlessly.
- I want to enjoy walks pain free – One of my husband’s favourite things is walking. Being blind, he needs others to go on walk with him. I would love to be able to enjoy going for long pain free walk with him.
- I want to be fearless about going into unknown experiences and environments – Because of my size and physical limitations, I shy away from new environments and experiences. Will I fit in the seat at the restaurant? Will I be stuck having to stand for a long period of time? Will I stick out like a sore thumb? Will I make a fool of myself? This has shrank my world tremendously. I want to find my way back to experiencing the world around me more.
- I want to be thin before I die and have time to enjoy my thin body.
- I want to fully and completely let go of my struggle with food addiction – It is like there are two person within myself: the compulsive eater and the healthy eater. There’s a constant struggle as to which personality will take over. This is very stressful in so many ways. I want this split within myself to find healing.
- I want to choose the way I get to dress myself – Where I live, clothing options for a woman my size is almost non existent. So I have to wear what I can find, not the style I would prefer. Consequently, in all of my closet, I have not one piece of clothing that brings me joy.I want to dress in the type of clothes that brings me joy.
- I want to be able to sit on the floor comfortable – One of the things that really saddens me is that, when my little niece comes to visit, I can’t sit on the floor and play with her. Children love it when you get to their level. I want that.
- I want to spend more time in nature – I live in the city and do not own a car by choice, so going into natural settings require being able to walk long distance. I miss nature and want more of it in my life.
- I want to keep being present to my life and to myself, to live every moment. the love. the joy. the pain. everything!
I have many more wants but these are the ones that need expressing at this time. These are the ones that I need to acknowledge for myself. These are the ones that I need to dust off and air out in the open. For a while, I had lost hope. I really thought that I was powerless to change my destructive behaviours. I truly, truly felt powerless and in some way, I had given up. Taking a step in the unknown and retiring early from my work has sort of reset things for me. I find myself being hopeful again and I’m so grateful. So grateful!