I messed up!

Photo by Emma Simpson on Unsplash

I messed up! I’ve let myself down! Last night, I binged. I had not binged for days. I binged. And I lied to myself. I told myself that it didn’t matter. I had been good, right? I was actually hungry. It’s alright to eat. It’s ok, just one bite. Just this time. I binged and I lied to myself. I messed up.

I went to bed bloated. I couldn’t sleep. When I binged, I snore and sometimes very loud. I couldn’t sleep. I was worried I would wake-up my husband, that he would know that I binged. When he left the bed at 2:30 am, I finally went to sleep but I slept poorly. The worry about snoring was replaced with the worry about getting leg or feet cramps. This happens if I ingest too much salt. So I slept poorly. I eventually got up at 9 am. I don’t feel good when I get up late, no matter what time I went to sleep.

Shame. Disappointment in myself. Self-loathing. Feeling sluggish. Tired. Shame.

BUT WHAT IF … messing up was an opportunity to practice self-compassion?

It’s easy to talk about self-compassion and be self-compassionate when I’m doing well. However it seems that when I’m messing up, not doing so well, I’m there with the beating stick! Beating the crap out of myself. Every hit of the stick hammering shame, self-loathing, disappointment, etc. deeper into my being. Every hit of the stick letting me know that it is true. It doesn’t matter. I don’t matter.

WHAT IF messing up was an opportunity to practice self-compassion?

This is the path I chose this morning, the path of self-compassion. I stood at the beginning of the path and unclenched my hand and let my beating stick dropped to the ground. I took a step and another and as I did, I was flooded with sadness. Sadness for what I was doing to myself. It does matter. I do matter. I deserve a healthy body. I deserve a good sleep. I deserve fulfilling relationships. But foremost, I deserve my own love and compassion.

I’m human. I’m not perfect. I have a long history with food addiction. But when I beat myself for the poor food choices, the binges, and all the other things I judged myself for, I’m perpetuation the cycle of shame and self-abuse. This is not the path to freedom. To the contrary, it is the path to enslavement. This is not what I want for myself. I deserve so much more. I’m worth so much more. The path of self-compassion is the only path that will lead me there, one step at a time.

I’m incredibly grateful right now for having taken those first few steps.

22 Replies to “I messed up!”

    • That is a good question, Marie! Yes and I do have to make some changes there. The trigger was tiredness and watching a show I’m hook on right now. I have a strong pattern of watching shows, movies, etc. and eating. I also have a strong pattern of not going to bed when I’m tired.

  1. Yesterday is gone…today is here and tomorrow has not arrived. You are still the amazingly creative and resilient woman I have always known…

  2. being gentle on myself is paramount ,.. cause really at the end of the day ,.. it’s how “I” feel about myself is all that really matters . Peace sista xxoo

  3. I find that if I go down into the self-abuse spiral, my thoughts lead to the stick too. Good for you dropping that stick! Its amazing isn’t it when we become aware of the harsh words. Self-compassion in the wake of needs, being kind to that little person inside who needs to go to bed. I’m so glad you are caring for her. xx

    • Thank you Kathie! Yes that little person does need kindness and also boundaries. I took her to bed at 10:30 pm last night. She was ok with that 🙂

  4. It is a privilege to witness your journey Sister. We are all learning and growing and your newfound ability to recognise and redress your habits is beautiful.
    An opportunity indeed.
    (Incidentally, is the word ‘Binge’ rather loaded for you? Quite judgey and in need of Punishment? Those without ‘addiction awareness’ would probably say ‘I pigged out’ or ‘I stuffed my face’ and simply laugh it off with a strange sense of pride)
    I wonder if you can move toward that sense of playful acceptance of your varied ways of enjoying food?

    • Thank you Roberta! Yes are are learning and growing. This is life. I like your question and perspective on ‘binge’. I’m of two minds on this. Yes, you are right, it is quite judged and as such comes with its set of consequences. So I like the idea of moving towards a playful acceptance. Unfortunately though, my binges are not about enjoying food. In fact, when I have what I call a binge, it is not about the food at all but rather about the numbness it affords me. But I do like ‘playful acceptance’. It does call for a certain curiosity it seems. So thank you for this, Roberta!

    • Hmmmm… Liv, thank you for recognizing the challenge of getting on and off the wagon. My thought when I first read this is that maybe it is easier to stay put on the wagon. But I know that it isn’t that simple. I wish it were though 🙂

  5. I honour your courage, and as someone who has fallen off eating wagons, I’m in your corner. You got this! You are a warrior and I cheer you on xxx

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