It’s time for a Project 200 update. I’ll be totally honest. At about mid-month, I was dreading this update. I was mentally looking for a way out, wondering how I could be so stupid as to have started this project here, in the open, on this blog, for all eyes to see. It’s easy to share successes but a whole lot harder to share failures. I thought I could just delete all traces of Project 200 and hope no one would ask me about it. I even went so far as thinking of putting an end to my blogging days and closing my blog. None of this sat well with me. Then I realized these thoughts were all shame-based. This realization shifted my thought process. I’ve carried a whole lot of shame in my life and I’m still working on releasing remnants of that same. I do NOT need to add more shame to my load and as much as I possibly can, will do all that I can to NOT add more.
As I moved from feeling ashamed about gaining weight instead of losing weight and not adhering to the goals I had set for myself at the beginning of December, I was able to feel more compassionate about my ‘failures’. If the reality of losing weight, for me, was as simple as setting goals and doing the work, then I wouldn’t have been heavy for most of my adult life. I wouldn’t be where I’m at physically. I would be healthy, thin and would have a healthy relationship with food and my body. This isn’t the case. I struggle with a food addiction and I do not have a healthy relationship with food and my body. I hope and intend that I will be free from this addiction someday and that I will develop a healthy relationship with food and my body. BUT last month, I did not. In fact, this project has awakened my Rebel big time! She ain’t having none of this Project 200 crap!
The good news is… I”M NOT GIVING UP! I’m not giving up because I deserve a better quality of life than this present body is offering me. I deserve to feel light in body, in mind and in spirit. So the journey continues.
WEIGH IN and DECEMBER GOALS OUTCOME:
Weigh in on January 1st: 350 lbs
Reduce night eating by at least 50% – This did not materialize. In fact, I probably increased night eating by 50% at least.
Add a minimum of 15 minutes of exercising 4 times a week – I did not exercise at all.
Keep a daily journal – I didn’t do this either. I realized this is an unrealistic goal for me. I’m not a journal writer.
THOUGHTS and OBSERVATIONS on December:
I was very excited about launching Project 200. Yet instead of adhering to my goals for the month, I went in the other direction. The urges to compulsively eat, in the evening, were quite strong and I didn’t fight these. At the beginning of the month, I told myself that I had plenty of time. That is one of the lies I tell myself. There’s plenty of time. Later. Tomorrow. Then I didn’t care. I cared about the January 1st update I had to write but I didn’t care about losing the weight. I easily get into this non-care mindset. I have a strong habit of ‘checking in and out’ from life. Checking out usually translates into night binges, watching too much Netflix, etc., playing online games. I really want to change this. I ‘checked out’ in December. I’m grateful that the new year has rolled around, providing me with renewed energy to check back into my life.
I ate, ate and ate and I tortured myself with worries. I worried about my digestive system and the stress I put into it with eating too much fat. I worried about my heart and clogging my arteries. I worried about my knees and their ability to keep on carrying my bulk. I worried about the pain I anticipated when I next going grocery shopping because it has become painful to walk and stand for periods of times. I worried about snoring too loudly and waking up my husband. I worried that this was it, that I would never find freedom from this self-inflicted torture.
Writing all this feels important. A friend asked me how she could support me on this project. I wasn’t sure what to answer. I think I know now. To bear witness to my journey, in its ‘successes’ and in its ‘failures’, without judgments, is a way to support me. Empowering and healing thoughts and prayers sent my way, is also a way to support me. In gratitude.
My goals for January are:
- Reduce night eating by at least 50%
- Eat smaller dinners
- Add a minimum of 15 minutes of exercising 4 times a week
- Create a Project 200 Vision Board
- Be still for at least 5 minutes per day, connecting with my essential self
See you all on February 1st with a Project 200 update!